I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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