Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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