Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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