you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
