u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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