I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
