im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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