Cold hands, warm shart.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
