So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
