Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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