I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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