I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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