Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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