I just pynch a tree in the face
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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