THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
