Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
