there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
