Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I puked a lego.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
