Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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