I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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