He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
