Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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