One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
