so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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