I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
