I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Can you bring me the toilet please
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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