i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
