i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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