the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
