The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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