I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
