FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
