Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
