Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize