Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
