Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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