did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
