her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
