god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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