I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
