I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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