Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
