I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
