I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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