I'd wear matching sweaters with you
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
