like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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