I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize