someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
