I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
