i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
