I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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