She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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