His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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