There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think my moral compass just broke
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