Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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