VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
