T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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