Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
