Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
