remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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