im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize