my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
