I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
