this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
