if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
im having a threesome with these popsicles
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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